They way we think...

So, I was in the car with my mom the other day. Something I usually avoid as much as possible. She and I just don't really understand each other much and talking for extended periods can become awkward. But, she said she really wanted to talk to me and it seemed like a good time to do it.

The first thing that she tells me is that she finally realized something about me. She said, "People think differently and that is okay, but I think I finally realize that you and I think differently and that is why we have to try so hard to understand each other. Your Dad and your brother think the same way that I do. And, it must have been really hard for you growing up with all of us. I think you are brilliant and you use your mind in ways that the rest of us just don't understand. You and I just don't think the same. Sometimes I wish I thought more like you, so that I could understand you better and so that you wouldn't have had it so hard." I was stunned into silence. (Pretty amazing if you ask most people that know me.) So, she continued,
"I just feel really bad that you had to adapt and you had to work so hard at getting along with us and we never even met you half way."

So, I looked at her and said, "That's stupid. If you are going to carry around guilt for not understanding me and not getting the way I think, that is just stupid. If you want to feel guilty, go ahead and feel guilty but not over me and not over this." She didn't really know what to say to that. But, we continued to talk and she said she would work on letting the guilt go.

This conversation with her really made me think about my relationship with the girls and Bear. Growing up, I always felt alone and like an outsider. I don't want anyone to feel that and I try really hard to make sure that it doesn't turn out that way for any of them. But, I thought about it a lot over the last few days. I realized that the five of us laugh at the same jokes, cry at the same sad movies and always try to include everyone. Maybe we try to hard.. there is family movie night, dinner is always eaten together, and no one sits on the side lines for group activities (even the teenager gets involved!). But, I really don't care if we try to hard to include everyone. Its better than not trying at all.

Dances, Boys, and Tears: The aftermath

The fued between The Mother Hen and her former best friend started as soon as they got back to school. It started as any other girl fight... "You are a jerk because you stole my boyfriend!" "Well, I wouldn't have stole him if you weren't so ugly!" And so on...

Then, it started to evolve. The former best friend started threatening her and then hiding behind her friends that were no long friends with The Mother Hen. So, The Mother Hen, taking advice from her mother, decided to turn the "whole school" against this girl. When she told Bear and I about this, she was so proud of herself. But, honestly, I have never been more disappointed in her. Not only did she not try to fix the problem but she escalated it so that it was getting well out of control. I had to tell her what I thought. (Because I am an opiniated big mouth.) She was furious with me because I told her that she was wrong. I suggested talking to this girl one-on-one. If she hid behind her friends, I suggested that she talk to her anyway. I also told her at this point, if you won't confront her about it all, just ignore her.

The Mother Hen's pride got the best of her when her former friend started sending threating text messages and myspace messages. Since her profile is set to private (only friends can see it and leave comments) I told her to delete her from her friends list and ignore the messages. She didn't and it got worse. Then her mother got involved. She called the school and threatened to call the police on the school and this girl. The Mother Hen was called into the principal's office as soon as she arrived at school and was told a couple of things. 1) Since you sent threatening messages too, if the police get involved you will be charged and expelled from school and 2) if anything like this happens again that she would be suspended.

Personally, I feel pretty damn lucky that she wasn't suspended. With as many stories in the news lately of teen girl violence, I thought for sure that she was going to be sent home for a few days. Here is what I don't really understand why the social war? Why turn the school against anyone and why respond to the threats on your cell phone? Maybe I was raised around too many boys, but if it were me, I wouldn't have responded to the threats over my cell phone or the internet (chat rooms were the big thing when I was a teen and pagers too... yikes, I am old). I would have confronted the girl at school. I would have said "Why don't you say that to my face? Are you too scared?" Girls just don't fight that way.

That is the one thing I learned from watching Mean Girls. (Besides that it is 90 minutes of my life that I will never get back). Girls are taught that violence is not an option and they must be prim and proper at all times. So, they fight these crazy passive aggressive wars that end up with ruined reputations and tears. That is starting to change but the idea of escalation hasn't. I mean, can you seriously believe some of this shit? Now mom's are getting involved in teen girl battles so that the escalation continues.

It is no longer enough to beat up a girl that wronged you. You now have to post it on MySpace, YouTube and Facebook. I am personally disgusted by this whole business. It is past time that we as mothers to daughters start setting the example. We need to show girls to fight together rather than fight each other. Maybe I am the only one that feels this way, and I am an opinionated loud mouth so I say/write what I feel.